how much does it cost to raise a kid

After scouting around for the right school for H, we've finally landed on a decision, and I must say we're pretty happy and confident with our decision. H will be off to another international school January next year, and will be starting Year 1.

We've never thought much about the cost of education but after paying the registration fee, we got a little jittery. It's fine if you only have one kid, still ok if you have 2, but now we'll be having baby number 3. So it was time to really do some serious budgeting.

Based on my estimates taking into account inflation, to put a kid through 12 years of international schooling and 4 years in a top university overseas (I used UK as a benchmark since I'm more familiar with the system), it will cost us a whopping RM1.6 million. And this is just for the first kid!!! Lest you think we're wasting good money for early education, i.e. the primary and secondary years, the bulk of the costs is actually for tertiary education (>75%).

It's high time to put our investments to work. And I guess there also goes my early retirement plan!

More about school choices

I've never considered myself someone indecisive, but when it comes to H's education, I've somehow become overly indecisive. Sometime I wonder if we should even discuss schooling options with others, cos I find that the more you discuss, the more confused you get.

I just received a notice from a waldorf-inspired preschool that they have an opening for H this coming May. Just when I have come to terms with his current school (despite some of its shortcomings, I think I've accepted the fact that there's no perfect school and that it's really not that bad), I'm now faced with another decisional point - let H continue in his current school, or take him out at the end of this semester.

Hubs is clearly more decisive than me. I guess it's also because he's not as involved in H's progress in school and the discussions I have with other parents. What he knows is mainly from what I told him, so clearly it can be a little extreme since my point of view, depending on what transpired prior to me pouring it out to him, is on either end of the scale. For example, I told Hubs I had issue with the lack of play in H's current school. Since the kids are only 5, over-emphasis on academics via classroom-based instructions will drain their enthusiasm for learning. Also, I felt that at this age, more focus should be given on the social emotional development aspects which is something H is lacking... blah blah blah... Hubs reaction was simple, "Yup agreed, we should take him out and put him in that play-based school you mentioned!"

There's really no right or wrong answer to what is best for the development of your 5-year old. I guess it really depends on the child as every child is different. H is somewhat anti-social. More than once I witnessed how he simply ignore his friends when they were striking up a conversation with him. I sometimes wonder how other kids can be so natural with socialising but my H just prefers to be on his own. For example, once I walked H to his classroom since we were early. When his friends saw him, they happily called out to him (one even started talking to him about something he did yesterday), but he just remained aloof and went about doing his own stuff. We've also been to a few birthday parties of his classmates. He would always want to go saying that he wanted to see his friends, but at the party, he would not join in the games, nor would he crowd around the birthday child (like most kids would do) when singing the birthday song and cutting the birthday cake.

Developing H's social emotional skill is hence very important to us. We've seen many bright young people who can't excel at work due to low EQ. For kids, the best way to learn how to socialise, manage conflicts, resolve problems, regulate own emotions is through interaction and playing with others. In his current school, there isn't much opportunity to do so. After much probing (you really need to ask very specific questions to get specific answers), I found out that H's school is overly rigid in enforcing 'discipline'. Yes, granted you can't have a noisy classroom during lesson time, but they should not be told to keep quiet all the time. Already there aren't play time incorporated in the daily schedule, so shouldn't kids be allowed to chit chat while queuing up to go to the canteen during break time, or in between lessons? How else will these 5-year olds (ok maybe most of them have no issue but H definitely has) learn how to interact with others?

Dilemma

4 Reasons To Ditch Academic Preschools | Janet Lansbury

I like the above post. It captures exactly my thoughts. H is one of those preschoolers who has a knack for letters and numbers, and has, through his own interest and initiative 'thought' himself to read, spell and do math. He's coping well academically in his current school (which is overly academic) but I just feel that what he needs is not more academic learning but nurturing his self-esteem and confidence, learning how to socialise and self-regulate, etc.

Last night, I asked H if he likes his school. He gave me an affirmative no. When probed further this was his exact answer, "We only learn learn learn and don't play, so boring!". I can really feel for him. Classes run from 8am-2pm with 2 short breaks in between. That's a really long day for a kid if all they do is academic learning, with no play time in between. "I like SA (his previous preschool), we get to play and learn, not just learn learn learn!"

If H was older, I would probably tell him that well, life is not a bed of roses so deal with it. Maybe not in such words but you get my drift. Kids should not be over-protected nor overly-pampered. But H is only 4.5 years old. I'm not sure if the lack of sleep, or the overly academic school is taking a toll on his emotional wellbeing. My sis and mom seemed to have noticed that H's temper is getting from bad to worse. He seemed to have had it under control for a while but ever since he started schooling (in his new school), he's more short fused. Simple things get him agitated and he will burst out in anger. My sis has been nagging me about my decision to send H to such an academic school whereby kids are pushed to learn so much so young, about introducing unnecessary stress to him, etc. I always just brushed her off, "Where got stress? It's not like he's struggling, he is actually coping well!"

I don't agree to push a child beyond their developmental readiness, but I also don't agree to delay a child's learning. For H, he's a fast and keen learner so he's definitely ready to learn everything that's taught in school with ease. But now taking a step back to reconsider, I guess there's really no need to introduce more academic subjects into H's life. Instead we should focus on his weaknesses. But pulling him out of school after the first semester means forfeiting the hefty deposit we paid. The only way to get back the full refund is to put in a notice of withdrawal before June and only leave at the end of the year. Hub's ok either way, "Money you can earn, but you can't buy back childhood". Sometimes he does have spurts of wisdom, hahaha.

So what should I do? Put aside all these nagging feelings and stay the course (praying that all will trun out well in the end), or do something (which may not necesarily turn out to be right)?

First week of school

I must say mommy's really proud. H settled in rather well, and he seems happy going to school. Here's an account of how the week went.

Monday 31/1: This was Orientation Day. The kids were asked to go to school in their uniform and they had to bring along all their books (for safekeeping in the classroom). There was no lesson, the session was meant to introduce the kids to their class, teachers and friends, as well as to familiarise them to the school environment, i.e. where the toilets are located, the canteen, etc. I felt that the session was rather badly conducted (i.e. not very organised), in fact, I think H's previous preschool did a better job at running orientation. We also left feeling a wee bit concern over H's class teachers. But perhaps it was too early to judge, so we shall give it some time. H did cry a little during the orientation, and stuck to me during the morning tea break. So I had to give him lots of pep talk. Towards the end of the session, he was ok but I continued to pep talk him even into the next day.

Tuesday 1/1: Holiday, yay!!

Wednesday 2/1: First day of school. H was pretty good. I took him to class, he took out his stuff, put them into his desk drawer, placed his bag in the allocated area in the room, and took his seat (he already knows the routine). He also gave the teacher a hug. Since we were early I took him to the canteen for breakfast. Then came the poo-poo incident which reminded me I have to toilet train him. When we got back to class, I gave him a hug and told him mommy has to go to work. He said ok, and went into the class and took his seat without any fuss. Good boy!

Thursday 2/1: Second day of school. Again we were early so I took H to the canteen for breakfast. After that, I took him back to his class and said goodbye. Met a few other moms in the next class and we stood outside talking. When I was on my way out, I looked into H's class and noticed that they have rearranged the seating arrangement. H was seating all by himself. I thought to myself, this is no good since H is a shy kid and I was afraid that if he sits on his own, he may not make friends as quickly or easily. Must have a word with the teacher the next morning (since the class has already started I did not want to interrupt). So being a kiasu mom, I listed down all the things I wanted to discuss with the teacher... haha. Tomorrow is the last day parents are allowed in the school grounds so I'd better make sure I make full use of it. Hey, have to make sure we get our money worth right, since we're paying such hefty fees :-p

I wanted to know how H was in class, i.e. is he participating? Is he eating during the breakfast and lunch breaks? Is he socialising with the other kids? etc. etc. I also wanted to highlight to the teachers what we felt were important, e.g. to encourage him to participate and speak up, to help build his confidence, etc., as well as to highlight to them what H's strengths and weaknesses, etc. so they can understand and deal with him appropriately.

Friday 3/1: Today we left a little later so we were not quite as early (so no breakfast in the school canteen). H went about his usual routine of 'setting himself up' while I spoke to the class teacher. I was glad to hear that H does participate in class, and he's interacting with his classmates. And I was wrong, H is not sitting alone, he's seated with another boy Eugene who's a very active and talkative little boy. Good! That will help H get out of his shy shell. Sometimes all it takes is a little 'motivation' from someone else. The teacher also commented that they do notice that H is a very smart boy, but shy.

Saturday 4/1:  Crash course on toilet training (since I didn't manage to do it on Thurs and Fri) and swimming. Luckily Friday's swimming lesson was postponed, will only start this coming Friday so I had time to get H's fear of the big pool out of him. Took H and L to the pool. L as usual refused to go into the baby pool while H refused to get into the big pool. After some coercion, he finally came to the big pool. I must say this is indeed a really big step for him to finally agreed to go into the big pool. He was grabbing on to me so tightly there was no way I could teach him how to use his hands and legs to paddle and kick. The saving grace was the ring floatie we got. Half way through the session, we remembered we bought a ring floatie and told kakak to go get it. H initially refused to use it, still holding on to be really tightly, so we gave it to L. She was a natural. H saw her swimming so effortlessly with the floatie that he decided he also wanted to try. And that was it, he finally let go and was really happy that he didn't need us to hold him.  He was proud to be able to swim on his own, and we were happy that at least he's gotten the fear of the big pool out of him.

Sunday 5/1: I registered H in a Sunday school - Dhamma for Kids. Classes are held every alternate Sundays (twice a month). I thought it would be good for him to start learning about Buddhism or at least learn about good behaviour and values. It'll also be good for him to learn how to be more independent and confident. So how was the first class? The class was really good, but H, sigh, very disappointing. He refused to participate! Must pep talk him again. That evening, H wanted to go swimming again in the big pool. At least one of my crash courses worked, the toilet training bit still need some work :-)

H's first day in school

H is finally in a big school. I'm still not sure if we made the right decision, he's still such a baby and we're putting him through the stress of a big school.

Woke him up at 6:30am to beat the morning traffic. Left the house at 7am. The traffic was clear, not sure if this is normal or everyone's still having their break. Will try leaving a little later tomorrow. Since the traffic was clear, we arrived at 7:30am. H was the first one to arrive in class. As we walked towards the school from the parking area, I made it a point to show him where he'll be dropped off (mommy can't be walking him into class every morning, he has to learn his way), where he'll be picked up (you need to wait for po-po here after class, don't run around everywhere), and how to get to his classroom from the drop off area (remember yah this is the way to your classroom).

Amidst his calm appearance, I could sense that he was still a little terrified of being in the big school. I could almost sense him holding back tears although he didn't cry. As soon as one of his other classmates arrived, I told him I'll be waiting around in the canteen (oh here's your friend, mommy will be waiting in the canteen, you stay here and play with your friend ok). He seemed fine with the idea. Sat with another parent in the canteen till about 8am, then I went to check on him. He was doing colouring while waiting for his other friends to arrive. I went in and told him I had to go and that po-po will take him from school later. I then gave him a hug and left.

I hope he's coping ok. Unfortunately I have a lunch meeting today so can't pop by to check on him during lunch. Hopefully once the lessons start, he'll feel much better since he loves learning. It must be hard for him to be in class and not knowing anyone especially since he's not the proactive type in making friends. My poor little boy is forced to grow up. There's so much (living skills) he needs to learn, like eating and going to the toilet by himself, changing, etc. During orientation on Monday, he did not go to the toilet cos he didn't know how to take off his pants. He's so used to wearing pants with elastic band which he can just pull up and down that he doesn't know how to unbuckle his pants. Poor thing. I had to give him a crash course on buckling and unbuckling his pants. Then of course there's PE and swimming lessons, so he'll also need to know how to change into and out of his PE shirt/pants and swimsuit. Sigh... I guess we'll just have to take it one step at a time.   

It's now final, H is going to Reception

We've finally made up our minds. Payment's been issued, so there's no turning back. Our little big boy will be going to Reception next year. Have we made the right choice? We'd never know. But we'd like to believe that we've made the best choice we can based on our circumstances.

When I went to pick H from Po-Po's house yesterday, I told her we've registered H in the international school. Po-Po's really supportive of our decision, but Gong-Gong thinks otherwise. His exact words, "Why are you wasting money? He's a smart boy. Just send him to a chinese school and save the money for university". There's really no point arguing with my dad, so I just let him nag on, "All of you went to a chinese school and you all turned out alright...." blah blah blah...

There are of course pros and cons for the different education routes you can take. There's not one perfect option. Different people have different experiences and hence different perspectives, but one should never generalise. Some kids will thrive in any environment, others won't. You just have to pay attention to and really understand your child - his personality and his learning style. Will H cope well in a chinese school? He probably would since he's a fast learner so I don't think he'd struggle academically. But will it bring out the best in him, maybe not.

So I'm really happy with the decision, except that I have to now bid farewell to my early retirement plan *sob sob*

international school

It's been decided (I hope this time it's final) that H will be going to an international school. Despite our preference for him to have a solid foundation in Mandarin and a solid grounding in Asian values, i.e. to attend a public chinese primary school, we've decided on the next best option due for the following reasons:

1. A chinese school may not be conducive for a child like H. He's very inquisitive, he loves learning and is full of imagination (strengths) but he's also very shy and passive (weaknesses). We need an environment that will not stifle his strengths while developing his weaknesses.
2. We do not want to stagnate his learning. If we were to send him to a public school, it will be another 2 years (year 2015) before he enters primary one, just to start learning the things he already knows. He'll either be bored to death or lose interest in learning. The school we're considering implements Year 1 british curriculum for their reception year. This will be great for H since he won't have to repeat learning what he's already mastered.

Next step is to take H on a tour of the school and have him sit for the admission assessment. It's really really a last minute decision. Apparently the kids who've registered are already collecting their books, uniforms, etc this week and orientation is scheduled on the last day of December. Here we are still researching for schools. But just to prep H, we've told him that he will be going to a big boy school next year. He's pretty excited and asked if he can see the school, so that's a good sign. But I can't seem to stop worrying if it will be too much a culture shock for H to be in a big school. For starters, he has to start waking up early (much much earlier) as school starts at 8am and he can't be late (he used to be always late for school since we're not too bothered, it's only a preschool). Then he has to adapt to the long school hours since school only finishes at 2pm (he sometimes still naps after lunch so that has to change). Then of course he has to get used to the large school environment, being picked up and dropped off at the school entrance and making his own way to the classroom, etc.

Alternatively, we can just keep him at home as initially planned, and let him start Year 1 in Spetember 2013 instead of Reception in January 2013.

Flip flopping decision on H's education

Sometimes I think we parents think too much. I wonder if our parents ever put that much thought into which school to send us to when we were younger. I think my dad's decision was based solely on convenience, i.e. the closest school to home.

Once again we find ourselves debating on which school to send H to. I thought we had it all figured and concluded that H will go to a public chinese school for his primary years. But this subject is now open again...

Public chinese school was a clear option when we weighed all the pros and cons earlier. Granted there are all these horror stories about chinese school teachers, crazy workload, etc. but we wanted H to learn mandarin and are prepared to supplement his school time with outside activities to ensure that his creativity and command of English do not slip. Besides, we figured that kids should learn how to take hardship, life is not always rosy and they should not be over-protected. We do not want out kids to turn out to be brats with the sense of entitlement.

But our observation of H is getting us worried. H is just too passive or reserved. It takes a whole lot of cajolling before he would speak up or participate. He's afraid to bend rules, make mistakes and be judged. Simply put, he lacks assertiveness. And this is a problem. No matter how good you are academically, you will not fare well in life if you lack assertiveness. Although we've known this about H all along, we thought we could help him boost his confidence by enrolling him in drama and sports classes, but so far we've not seen much improvement. The trigger point was when I asked him about school a few nights back and he just kept quiet. I had to probe, probe and probe (in a nice and playful manner) before he divulge about his friends. I'm not even sure why he can't or won't talk about what he does in school, about his teachers and his friends, etc. He's only 4+ now and he can't talk to his mommy. I can't even bear to imagine what it will be like when he's a teenager. Will he then shut us out of his life? Is H afraid that he will say something inappropriate and that we will judge him? We've never judged him or belittled him before, ever, so how can this be so? All these unanswered questions are bugging me. So I talked to Hubs and we think that perhaps H, with his personality, is not suited for the chinese school environment as it will only reinforce his passiveness. We're still not sure if a private or international school will do him good but at least he'll be forced to speak up and express himself (hopefully). And with the many years of training he should be able to change.

Meantime, I've bought this book "Cool, Calm, Confident : A Workbook to Help Kids Learn Assertiveness Skills" so that I can start teaching H how to be assertive. Can't wait for the book to arrive, this will be our new bedtime story!

the true meaning of unschooling

I came across this post by LearningBeyondSchooling. How timely - just what I needed to reaffirm myself that it is ok not to have a fixed schedule for H when he's out of school next year. I guess we, being parents, can never get the kiasu-ness out of us, no matter how un-kiasu we think we are. On one hand, we recognise that kids should be kids and they should be allowed to enjoy their childhood and indulge in free play. On the other hand, we're afraid that they will miss out on opportunities to acquire new skills or hone their talent if structured learning is not provided. Hence the dilemma.

Our intention for taking H out of school next year is to allow him to PLAY but along the way we unconsciously get sucked back into the 'box', i.e. needing to find classes / activities to fill H's time - tennis, swimming, music, art, mandarin, etc. and the list goes on...

I would really appreciate to hear from parents who homeschool their kids. How do you do it?

Homeschooling my preschooler

I get 3 different reactions whenever I tell people I'm taking H out of preschool next year.

1. The concerned and the "are you sure" look. I guess I can't blame them cos I still have a pinch of uncertainty about this decision of ours. What if he misses out? What if he can't catch up? What if he ends up sitting in front of the TV all day? What if... ? 
2. "Wow you're homeschooling him". I wish I can say that but I'm a full time working mommy so I can't really be homeschooling him. When I get asked that, my answer would be "well not really cos I'm working" and then I'll get the first reaction, i.e. "are you sure?"
3. Extremely supportive and thinks it's a great idea. There's probably only one person in this category, who is none other than my dear sister, who's a strong proponent of play (which I totally agree) and thinks that children shouldn't be taught reading and writing until the age of 7 (which I don't quite agree) :-)  Ok there are perhaps 1-2 more who don't really count, i.e. my young colleagues who are fresh out of school with remarks such as "wow this is really cool, I wished my mom did that"

Homeschooling is quite a general term. I guess when we think of homeschools (at least I do), we think of structured lessons done at home instead of in school. Perhaps with your very own timetable for the various lessons, etc. and the curriculum of your choice. Sounds like a lot of work and commitment to me. But homeschooling in a "looser" sense is what we're already doing with our kids at home on a daily basis since birth. That was how they've learnt and is still learning, and all done through play and interactions with the people around them. I read this concept about teaching moments and I can totally relate. You can teach kids so much without actually seem to be teaching them. Here are some teaching moments with H which I like to cite as examples:

• Sports, countries and flags. It's amazing how watching the Olympics can turn out to be such a great learning opportunity. H got interested in the different sports being played and wanted to know about the rules of the games (here's a teaching moments - talking about different sports and their rules). He also wanted to know about the flags (another teaching moments - we talked about the countries and flags). And for a few weeks following the Olympics, he would invent his own games. He would be representing one country and would make me represent another. And he would draw out the flags with the initials of the countries under them on his doodleboard to be used as the scoreboard. All self initiated. During the course of play he will ask "Mommy how do you spell Russia" or "Mommy how do you draw China's flag", etc. These are all teaching moments. To H, he's simply indulging in play, but he's actually learning so much from his simple play.
• Words and spelling. H used to be crazy over the Wordworld programme on Disney Junior. After watching each episode, he'd recap the story to me enthusiastically and ask me questions relating to the story (a teaching moment). We'd then play word building games just like in the programme, sometimes he'd invent his own games, sometimes I'd suggest the games to play. For example we'd play "Dog's Letter Pit", "Frog's Rhyming Machine", etc. Again for H it's all  play but he's unknowingly also learnt how to spell.

I can cite many more examples but long story short, kids are naturally inquisitive. By latching on to their natural curiosity we can teach them so much, and they don't usually take much time nor require any special teaching materials. Most of the time, these teaching moments happen between dinner time and bedtime for me (since that's the only time I have with the kids on weekdays) and weekends of course. And you'll be surprised by how much teaching / learning you can do in such a short time.

So I guess the next time people ask me if I'll be homeschooling H, I should say YES I am!

Evaluation of international schools

I must thank the many mommy bloggers out there for helping make my research on school options that much easier. These days there is just so much info out there in cyber space. After synthesising what I've read from other parents in blogs and forums relating to primary education and schools (mostly their views and first hand experience), my conclusion is that unless you want to spend more than RM3,000 a month on tuition fees (mind you the fees go up as you move up each academic year) in an established 'real' international school, don't bother!

By 'real' I mean:

1. International schools that are run by real educationists, not some developers trying to make their properties sell better
2. International schools that hire qualified and exprienced teachers, not just some expat interns claiming to be teachers
3. International shcools that have strong track record. Many private schools have recently been converted to international schools to satisfy the demand for international curriculum. However the same teaching staff are retained - overnight they have to change from delivering the national syllabus which they've been trained to, to delivering the new interntaional syllabus  

Since hubs' criteria is also for the school to be near our house (we just can't bear the thought of having to sit through the morning rush hour traffic to send the kids to school, not to mention that our poor kids will have to wake up extra early in the morning just to beat the traffic), we essentially are down to 2 schools that meet the above criteria. Unfortunately both these schools are way off our budget.

So I guess it's back to the drawing board. H will probably be going to a chinese primary school. We just need to make sure that we supplement H with the right out-of-school activities to counter the negative effects of a chinese school education. I shall talk about this another time. Next assignment - find out what people are saying about the chinese primary schools I have in mind, and pay the schools a visit :-)

School choices - chinese or international school?

Everytime parents sit together the topic of education will most certainly pop up. We thought we had it all sussed out after many many hours of debate - we will send our kids to a chinese primary school and switch them to an international school after that. Hubs is convinced, I am convinced and we are pretty happy with our decision until...

I guess the topic will never be closed until H finally enters primary school. Hubs came back one night (last week) from a client dinner and guess what, they were talking about children and schools. So the topic got brought up again on whether our decision is right. I mean we still have time to decide, albeit not much since H is already 4 this year. If we were to send him to an international school, we'd better start researching now as he will have to enter Year 1 in September next year. After much debate we decided to stick to our original plan.

Then today a friend of mine called to have a casual chat. Again the topic of children education came up. I told her our plan of sending H to a chinese school. She spent the next half an hour convincing me otherwise. Since she has a son who's been through both systems and many more other friends with similar experiences, I thought I'd hear her out. So when I had lunch with hubs just now, we again talked about school choices for our kids.

Isn't this telling of the desirabilty of Malaysia's education system?!! It really irks me as a tax payer. We pay so much taxes yet we can't rely on the govt to provide good schools. So my task now is to search out good international schools with strong emphasis on mandarin. Not sure if such schools exist in KL. Hubs says preferably close to home too... really asking for too much! :-)